Unconditional
by Gillanna
Summary: A few weeks after Extreme Risk, B'Elanna hits a bump in the healing process.


I was minding my own business trying to write a follow up to Edging Closer, but this idea popped into my head and I found that I couldn't do anything else until I had written it down.

While I loved that Voyager had B'Elanna deal with depression in _Extreme Risk_ , it was "solved" way too easy with a stack of pancakes. Don't get me wrong, banana pancakes became my new favorite food after it aired but I don't think one conversation with Chakotay and some breakfast food healed her. So, this is just a slight bump in the road to keep things a little more realistic. While the topic of self-harm is mentioned in the story there are no details and nothing that should be anywhere near as triggering as episode itself, but it's there.

As like before, sadly nothing belongs to me except my words. If Tom and B'Elanna did belong to me, I'd have them doing a weekly TV show with Will and Deanna. It would be so much fun!

* * *

B'Elanna sat on her couch crying softly. Her body draped over the armrest, eyes gazing blankly at the wall. She hadn't wanted to turn up the lights for fear of waking Tom. After months of pushing him away, they were finally back at a place where they were spending more nights together than apart. She knew she had pushed him past his breaking point with her actions and for the life of her she couldn't comprehend why he still wanted to be with her. She didn't deserve his love after everything she had put him through.

It had been so much easier when she was numb and didn't have to feel her love for him. She didn't feel any guilt for the pain she was causing him at the time. Now it was often all she could think about. It was still amazing to her sometimes when she thought about how much she loved him, and in turn, needed his love. She was terrified to lose that. She had sworn to herself after her father left that she would never let herself love anyone as much as she had loved him. She didn't know what it was about Tom that made loving him worth the risk, but he was.

Truthfully, she had been feeling better over the last two weeks. The medication the Doctor had put her on seemed to help a little. He even joked that it seemed to improve some of her more Klingon traits, primarily her anger. And while she maybe did feel calmer on most days, she no longer felt like herself. At least before she was feeling nothing, now everything and everyone just seemed muted, greyed and out of focus. She preferred the nothing over this. The Doctor promised it would fade in time, once her neurochemical levels were back to normal, but it made the world seem fake.

It had been a nice night in with Tom. He made them a fancy dinner with great wine. They spent a while talking about their weeks and an engineering problem she was having. It ended with them making love, more enthusiastically than they had in a long time. Though, it was still a far cry from how they used to be. Not that their lovemaking was ever very violent or traditionally Klingon by any stretch, but Tom had a way of bringing out her more aggressive nature in a way that seemed to work well for them both. Scratching and biting had gotten to be the norm, but they had never come close to breaking any bones. She knew Tom had been holding back last night. While it was still enjoyable, it was also frustrating to be treated as some breakable object. She couldn't decide if it was because he knew how private she was about sex and didn't want her to have to explain where the marks had come from if anyone saw them, or if he was scared he might somehow trigger her into a relapse.

It wasn't the sex that had produced her current feelings, she knew that much. She couldn't remember the dream that had woken her up, other than it was dark and unnerving. She found herself looking up the holodeck schedule without even realizing it; they both were free. She knew if she were to reserve a time slot, red flags would be sent up all over the ship. But, she had realized shortly after the Captain reinstated her holodeck privileges, with the understanding that her visits would be monitored, that she could reserve it in someone else's name and transfer holodeck time around a number of times so that no one could trace it back to her. That's when she had started crying, realizing she had already done those steps without even thinking, reserving holodeck 2 in thirty minutes.

That was twenty minutes ago. She tried to willed herself to just go back to bed, back to Tom. Wrap herself up in his arms and go to sleep, but couldn't bring herself to. Part of her wanted to go wake him up, to tell him how she was feeling, yet she was scared he'd overreact. Drag her down to sickbay, ban her holodeck access, and create a big fuss over nothing. She had put him through enough, he didn't need to worry about her any more than he already was.

It was weird to think about how much comfort she felt when she was hurting physically. She just needed to release the building tension within her, knowing if she could work off a little of this energy, she'd feel better. Maybe she wouldn't even need to turn off the safeties. It was only 0120 so it wasn't likely that Tom would wake up while she was gone. Except if he did and found her in the holodeck, then he'd really overreact.

She didn't know what to do as she felt her body slowly start numbing itself, preparing her for the actions, even as her heart was trying to talk her out of it. She knew she had lost the battle the moment she reserved holodeck 2. There wasn't any point arguing with herself about it, she just needed put on shoes and go. The sooner she did it, the sooner she'd feel better and be back in her quarters.

"B'Elanna?" Tom's sleepy voice quietly called out from behind her. She jumped at his words. When had he gotten up? "Why are you crying?" asking as he sat down behind her.

"I'm not crying," she lied, keeping her face turned away from him trying to make herself stop.

"B'Elanna, talk to me." Tom's voice was full of concern as he moved to wrap his arms around her, resting his forehead on the back of her neck. He kissed her hair lightly as he felt her tears start to increase.

"Tom, I'm okay, you should to go back to sleep. You have the early shift in the morning."

"You really think I'd be able to sleep knowing you're sitting here crying in the dark? Stop trying to change the subject, you know it won't work." Tom said laughing gently. He was trying extremely hard to not let his fear get the better of him, but it had alarmed him to wake up without her next to him, to hear her soft weeping coming from the other room.

"I didn't want to wake you up by turning on the lights." She said simply.

Exhaling into her neck he took a calming breath before responding. "B'Elanna, I thought we talked about this. I want you to wake me up if there is something wrong."

"Nothing's wrong, Tom." She insisted.

"Why do you keep lying to me?"

She forcefully groaned still trying to stop her tears, failing miserably. Her snarky retort died on her lips before she could say it. She wanted to scream at him to leave her alone, but only shook her head.

"B'Elanna. Please." Tom asked, pleading with her to let him in.

"I don't know why." She conceded.

"You don't know way you keep lying to me or you don't know why you are crying?"

She couldn't help but feel ashamed. While she didn't understand it, she knew how much he loved her. He only wanted to help her through this. She gave up on trying to stop crying and simply resigned to let the tears fall. "Both."

Tom tried not to let his heart fill with dread. He knew there were often bumps in the road for someone struggling with depression. Once they had gotten a clear picture of what was wrong with her he studied everything he could in the medical databases. While there was copious amounts of information in Federation's database, there wasn't a lot in the Klingon database surrounding depression, but he read everything he could in both. He knew what depression felt like, it had nearly destroyed him after Caldik Prime. He understood how hard it was to fight depression alone, so he wanted to know all he could to better help her through it. They had tried to get B'Elanna to consent to meeting with Tuvok for therapy. She had only made jokes about Vulcans not having emotions, saying it an oxymoron to talk with one about her own.

He briefly thought about doing what she asked and leaving her be, except something in his gut told him tonight wasn't just a little bump. He had ignored his concerns about her before and she almost died; he had promised himself he wouldn't do that again. He knew she would see through any pandering so figured the best course of action would be to ask her straight forward.

"B'Elanna, should I be worried about you?"

"I'm fine, Tom." She lied again.

"Are you thinking about hurting yourself?" Tom held his breath waiting for her answer. He could tell she was struggling trying to decide what to say, so he sat quietly to give her time.

"Tom, I…" B'Elanna found herself unable to say the words. She didn't want to keep lying to him but she didn't want to tell him the truth either. She should have just gone straight to the holodeck. She would have been back by now and Tom would have been none the wiser. She knew if she told him the truth he would be upset. But if she lied about it and he found out, she wasn't even sure what he might do.

When they spoke after the shuttle flight to save the probe, he kept apologizing to her about ignoring the warnings signs for so long. She was shocked that he was blaming himself for her actions. He made her swear to him, that she should ever get to the point where she wanted to hurt herself again, she would tell him right away. It had seemed like an easy promise to make at the time. But now, faced with the reality of the request, it was nearly impossible to keep. She could feel his arms tighten around her a bit more while he waited for her to answer. She owed it to him to be honest, finally trusting in the faith of his desire to help her. The words stuck in her throat; she felt like she might vomit if she were to say them, so she simply nodded her head slightly.

Tom's reaction was immediate. He moved forward, enveloping her into a massive hug, kissing her neck. She couldn't help but to start crying harder.

"Thank you for being honest with me, B'Elanna. I know how hard that must have been."

Through her tears she was able to choke out "So you're not mad at me?"

"No, honey, I'm not mad at you. I am so glad you told me." He kissed the side of her cheek to make his point. "Were you feeling this way earlier?"

"No, I had a great time last night. I just woke up and felt this way."

"Did you have a nightmare?" Feeling her nod, he continued "Do you want to talk about it?"

"I don't remember what it was about. I just woke up and…"

"What were you thinking of doing?" He knew the Captain still had certain safety measures in place, he knew B'Elanna knew that too, so he couldn't help to wonder what she had been thinking about doing.

She was unable keep the shame out of her voice when she quietly mumbled, "Holodeck."

"You know the notification measures are still in place if you use it, right?"

"I…" she paused knowing the next part was going to make him upset. "I found a way around them."

Tom took a sharp breath. He was no longer able to keep his calm tone and demeanor. "How?!"

"By requesting the time in someone else name and then moving credits around."

"How many times?" he demanded harshly.

"What?" She was confused by his question. She shouldn't have told him. He sounded so mad at her. She should have just stayed quiet.

"How many times have you used the holodeck without us knowing?" Anger and fear dripping from his voice. He knew he should stay calm but he was scared to death by her words. He couldn't lose her.

B'Elanna turned in his arms and cupped his face with her hands. "None. I swear. This was the first time it got to the point where I reserved time. I know you're mad at me. I am so, so sorry Tom."

He could tell by looking into her eyes that she was telling the truth, but also knew that there needed to be immediate actions taken to protect her. He took a cleansing breath before continuing.

"I'm not mad at you B'Elanna, I'm scared. I know you are going to want to keep this between just us, but you know I can't do that, right?" He watched as her eye dropped to her lap, saw the panic dart across her face. "You know we need to take some steps to make sure you are safe. I want you to have some control over what those steps are, okay? I think there are only a few options at the moment. We can go down to sickbay right now, have the Doc scan you and see if he can give you something stronger for the time being. Or, we call Chakotay and have him come over. Work out some new safety plans and you can talk with him about how you're feeling." Tom watched as she quickly pulled back from him.

"No! I don't want to see the Doctor, he's already too nosey and I don't want Chakotay to know."

"B'Elanna…"

"NO!" She yelled at him and moved to stand up from the couch only to be stopped when Tom grabbed her arm tightly.

"Or, we can call Tuvok and you can talk with him." He said, ignoring her death stare.

"Why don't you just wake up the Captain while you're at it!"

"I can call her if you want me too." He replied without missing a beat.

"I told YOU, isn't that good enough?! You wanted me to talk to YOU, so I'm talking! Why do we need to bring anyone else into this!? I knew I shouldn't have told you! I knew you would overreact!"

"B'Elanna, you know how grateful I am that you told me instead of staying quiet, but I want you to honestly answer me this. If I hadn't woken up or hadn't pushed you to talk with me and just gone back to sleep, would you be in the holodeck right now?" He watched as her eyes started to lose some of the anger in them with the realization that she would have been. "That's why we need someone else in this conversation. One, because you came that close to hurting yourself again and two…" he paused before continuing. "Two, because I am too close to this to be impartial. I will talk with you until we are both blue in the face but I can't promise I am not going to get upset and yell again. It's terrifying to think I could have lost you to this, that I still could. You need to talk with someone who is going to be a bit more levelheaded. I am happy to stay and be a part of that discussion or I can leave so you to talk with whomever you pick alone. Either way, I am here for you, but I can't do this on my own. And honestly, neither can you."

"I don't want anyone to know! They'll be as mad as you are." B'Elanna yelled, panic enveloping her world. She hated this. She hated not haven't the ability to control her own life! It was so embarrassing to have to have all the people around her know how weak she was.

"B'Elanna, I already told you I'm not mad at you. I'm scared, terrified of losing you. I promise, no one else is going to be mad at you either. Everyone here cares about you and wants to help keep you safe. You're not being punished for telling me how you are feeling. You have options here, even if you don't like them. Which one do you hate the least?"

"NO! I'm tired of everyone controlling my life. I have to see the Doctor for biweekly checkups and submit to his random screenings whenever he feels like it. Everyone keeps walking around me on eggshells. I'm sick of it. I just want to be left alone!"

Tom pulled her back to in a hug, refusing to release her when she tried to push him away. He could feel her shaking growing as her crying got louder. He wished he could let it go and do what she was asking. He hated making her feel trapped. But right now, she needed to be kept safe, so she'd just have to deal with it. "I know you do, B'Elanna. But that isn't going to happen right now."

"I could just kick you out, you know." She shot at him.

"You could try, but I'm not about to leave. You'd have to call security to remove me and you know I would tell them as soon as they got here why you wanted me out."

"TaHqeq!"

"Come on, I know you have better curses in you than that." He had to fight the urge to run when he saw the fire in her eyes.

"Let me go!" she snarled at him.

"No. Which option do you want to take? Or did you want me to pick one for you right now and you can work out a better plan in the morning?"

"The better plan is put a dagger in your throat!"

"Ouch. Going back a ways for insults now are we? Does that mean I'm a pig again?" He knew he was tempting fate by continuing to answer her flippantly, but couldn't think of a better way for her to get her anger out at the moment that wouldn't involved him getting hit.

"I hate you! Why won't you just leave me alone!?" she screamed at him.

"Because I love you."

"Why!?"

"Because, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. There isn't a chance in hell that I am going to risk losing you. So, I will continue to sit here holding you until you can calm down enough to make a choice and if you don't, well then I'll make the choices for you until you are able to on your own." Tom felt her body finally yielding to his hold on her. He just prayed her mind would follow.

"I hate that you love me that much." B'Elanna choked out through sobs. "I hate that I care that you love me that much!"

"I know. Who do you want to pick?" He asked her again calmly.

She hated that she needed help. Hated to admit that she actually wanted the help. She knew her actions weren't healthy, she knew she didn't want to resort to using the holodeck. She wanted to get better.

For the first time she thought about Tom's choices. The Doctor would want to keep her in Sickbay for observation. She would be on display for everyone to see, the weak little Klingon. It wasn't fair to put that much responsibility onto Chakotay. He had already done enough to help her; it was too hard on him to think about their shared losses. The Captain had just been out of spite. Which only left Tuvok. He wouldn't judge her and he certainly wouldn't be mad at her. She hated to concede that he was the best option.

Maybe she would be able to convince him that it was simply a lapse in judgment and she felt better now. She knew that wasn't likely, although she was still going to try. She might know she needed help but that didn't mean she was going to make it easy on everyone around her. She let out a long sigh before for finally surrendering to Tom's demands.

"I guess Tuvok. But can we wait until the morning, please? I don't want to wake him up and have him lose sleep over me. It's just a bad night, it's not that big of a deal." She asked Tom almost begging him to agree.

Tom just shook his head. "Paris to Tuvok"

There was a brief pause before he received a reply.

"Tuvok here." Sleep seeping slightly from his voice.

"Hey Tuvok, sorry to wake you but I was hoping you could come to B'Elanna's quarters. She's not feeling so great right now and we could use your help."

"Of course lieutenant. I will be there shortly. Tuvok out."

"See, I knew he wouldn't care if we woke him up."

"I still hate you."

"I know."

"You're a stubborn domineering pig, just so we are clear on that." She huffed.

"And, there it is! Although, I'm pretty sure I've learned by now that when you say that, it's really just your secret code for 'I love you'." He smirked widely at her.

Sighing B'Elanna moved to rest her head on his shoulder. She still didn't understand why she had fallen in love with him more than a year and a half ago. But, it was in moments like these when she could see why she still loved him, even though he could be such a smart ass. He loved her, wasn't scared away by her, and he was able to make her want to laugh even in her darkest moments. She'd never believed unconditional love existed. Now she realized, if it did exist, this is exactly what it would look like.

* * *

Now, back to writing the other story, hopefully!

-Gillanna


End file.
